RESILIENCE

I think I am lacking of it. Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself for giving up too easily.

Honestly I think my FYP is quite screwed. With only 1/5 objectives fulfilled and 2/5 hanging there and getting inconsistent results for almost a month and 2/5 completely don't have time to do at all. Basically I don't have much solid results to present other than the many repetitive but inconsistent results that I don't even know if I should present. I need a miracle next week.

As some of u all may know, I have 2 sups at astar currently. I have grown quite close to one of my sups, Dr C, and I am really grateful for having him around. He's ubber fatherly, always assuring me that things are alright and he always saying "we will get it!" like after umpteen times of inconclusive results, always chasing me to go home by 7+ and waits for me to pack up to leave tgt, helping me to run many many expts as I run off to school for lessons, tells me about his son and daughter in school, defending me as my the other sup is losing faith and interest in me as I m not producing results.
Yea on the other hand, my the other sup, Dr J, unfortunately, the main boss of the lab has been rather sian of me. From singing praises initially(i guess lady luck was only with me at the beginning) to chasing me for results almost every other day to now saying not very nice remarks, though not in front of me yet.

Dr C told me that Dr J alr started to say things like "这么简单都做不出"and today is worse “我叫别人去做一定很快就做得出来” Ok I am not to the extent of feeling damn sore about it but of cox such remarks doesn't make me feel very good. I am thankful n glad for Dr C for standing by me cox based on so many yrs of exp he has(he's 59 yrs old by the way so no joke!) he feels that it is not as easy as it seems and he himself couldn't get the results as well. And actually Dr J as I have heard is kinda notorious as a demanding boss. I mean i understand that he is also under stressed to perform and that we have different goals in mind. For now, I jus wan to get some decent results for my fyp n write my report like how fking urgently, but his aim is to get the best results for his publications.. I don;t have the whole time in the world to keep perfecting everything and it doesn't help when things keep going wrong somehow.

I so fking want to prove him wrong and that he doesn't need to get someone else to produce the results but at times I am just so tired that I feel like walking out. Being in the lab almost everyday except PHs and sundays, lab-sch-lab-sch routine and no break at all in dec is really no joke. But when I see Dr C still trying so hard himself and also in helping me, I feel rather ashamed of myself for harbouring such thoughts of giving up.

Feeling abit disheartened again today, while walking to mrt from biopolis after work, I asked Dr C. What keeps u going for so many years? doing research like almost your entire life? He said its the sense of satisfaction, the thrill of even solving smallest problems, and of cox when u get recognition, when ur research is so impactful that it puts singapore on the world map as it really made an impact in treatment(he was telling me abt his research in nus last time) and how ppl from ard the world start asking u abt it. I mean like wow. How many ppl out there in their lives can actually make such an impact and when they look back at what they have done in their entire life and be so proud to say that they have made such a great difference and contribution. I wan to be able to do that when I am old too.

Ok la, but for now, I jus want to prove Dr J wrong and complete what I have started and leave that place with dignity. I don't really care if I can't get a gd grade for my FYP anymore. I really need lots of luck. time to sleep. i shall go to the lab at 8 am tmr =X hopefully.

Don't give up everyone!